Her Wholeness: warts, rainbows, contrasts & all the bits in between
There is a story in all of us, a uniqueness that so many of us fail to fully bring forward into the world. Instead we spend our whole lives shrouded in mist, never truly stepping forward and shining the brilliance we are into the world, into our world.
Shrouded in the belief systems of the world around us, we are condemned to the slavery of self-doubt, self criticism, self-indulgence, and self-worthlessness. Every now and again though we shine so brightly we wonder how it is conceivable to attach to these negative feelings. Perhaps instead of only occasionally shining our beautiful light, we can allow ourselves to always outshine the reactionary processes of negativity and self-doubt.
Somewhere deep inside us is buried the treasure of our true purpose, and the knowledge that there is more to life than what so many of us wake to each day. Confused, we continue to listen to the stories flooding our minds and remain trapped by the belief systems placed upon us from birth.
I could write you a multitude of experiences and stories of despair, solitude, worthlessness, of struggle and battle. I could share the many things that have appeared to be so very wrong, the struggles of depression, of raising a child alone, of abuse, criticism and of being knocked to the earth and wondering if it is possible to stand up again. I’m not alone, nor am I unique in any of these stories, I share them with the world at large.
And this is a truly frightening and illuminatingly beautiful piece of knowledge to have, we are never alone with the things that we feel so very lonely about. There are a lot more than a handful of people out there who are going through the same experiences. Think about that, it’s comforting, isn’t it? Never truly alone.
Perhaps it is more important to write about the wondrous view from above. Instead of looking at our cup as being half empty, we can look at the silver lining in every moment that we choose to bring into our lives and find the silver lining, find the gift. And there is always a gift. Always.
I choose to write not about the effort to stand back up after hitting the earth, but the very fact that I do stand back up, and the amazement that every time things have looked bleak, beyond repair, in total chaos, I can always look back and see these moments were indeed a gift.
A gift to grow and open my heart a little more. A gift to choose to either continue looping my way around the same story, different scenario again and again, or to see these moments for the experiences they were and change the story. Try new experiences. Or perhaps I don’t change the story and it comes around again, knocks me over, sits me on my arse… either way, I keep trying, I keep doing my best (well mostly).
Perhaps though, next time the loop appears, I should not allow the creation of chaos at all, but to be and remain in the centre of myself. The tiny boat, calmly bobbing on the surface while the storm rages around, holding on to the edges in the centre of that little boat, and letting go of the oars. Just as abruptly as that storm swirls in, it is gone and once again the waters around my little boat are still and calm, the sun shining brightly above.
If we can truly open and see just how much we choose to hurt ourselves with our choices, inevitably creating a storm of confusion around us and in those who love us the most, perhaps we’ll see just how quickly it all passes and begin to accept just how worthy we truly are to create and live a life that we desire, and that we have the capacity to choose.
It is a gobsmacking understanding to come to: We.Can.Choose!
We are an endless stream of wonder, connection, sheer and utter beauty contracting and expanding, why oh why would we not choose to love this, love this unique being, with unique gifts. There is no one like you, no one.
Feeling ashamed of who we are, lacking confidence, feeling immobilised by fear, these are experiences that we share with the world. Knowing this, I feel less lonely. I also wonder, if we have the capacity to share these experiences with so many other people in the world, then perhaps we also have the capacity to share our unique gifts with one another and allow them to shine more brightly.
Perhaps if we shine and share our uniqueness we may just inspire others to do the same. Humanity appears to own and wear the hats of self-doubt, self-worthlessness, depression and sadness so well, but we can switch hats and raise the love and connection between us in such a way that we all begin to shine.
I am currently experiencing in my own life the essence and brilliance of fundamental structure, and understanding that placing these structures in my life is a good way to tame the unbridled wild being within – not take it away, god forbid, why would I want to – but to give the energy of the creative wild process a direction.
Fundamental structures can be anything that works for us as individuals, such as family, friends, our beloveds who know us and ground us and see us in ways that no other can. Time management is another. Not withdrawing the spontaneity of life or so tightly managing ourselves that we become unbalanced, but productive and focussed time management that allows for the space to be creative, for planning-doing the creative and the space in between the two to regroup and balance.
Think of a pendulum continuously swinging back and forward, from one side to the other until its balance is finally met in the centre. We can self-direct ourselves to remain independently unique, creatively expanding from what we truly would like to see evolve in our lives.
If we come from a place of compassion, humility, truthfulness and consciously not desiring to hurt others, courageously staying focussed in each moment, in our creativity and our structured planning, in our moments of rebalancing, the path will illuminate itself and all we need to do is simply flow forward into a life that we only dreamed was possible.
Self-direction is not about trying to control the outcomes. We can have a set of desired outcomes, dreams or clear ideas and write them down, master our focus to keep our minds from disarray, incoherency and sabotaging thoughts, and simply do what needs to be done step by step in order to unfold the path forward.
And remembering on the way to be surprised, grateful and in awe at what opens in front of us, possibly, again, more than you anticipated. Be excited!!
I’d very much like to give you a step by step guide, but I’m still like that newborn foal, wobbly and understanding the manipulation of my own mind and having a good shot at mastering it.
You cannot ‘make’ flow happen. Like a river, moving either with full ferocity or a meandering flow, it just is. It doesn’t suddenly stop and say, ‘Oh, how will I go around this rock or fallen tree?’, it just does.
Sometimes it’s difficult, of course it is, where would the learning and the peeling away of layers be if it was bright and shiny and easy all the time? Sometimes our outcomes will look completely different to how we so carefully planned or tried to control them to be. The difficulty, the resistance, is a wonderful tool to take stock, stop, breathe, step back and out of our own way for a little bit instead of trying to force and push ahead to – in most cases – impending disaster, minor to major!
Come on now, you know that little voice of warning!
We hold so tightly to perceptions and beliefs because we don’t often see them and interestingly they make us feel comfortable. Yep, even creating chaos, feeling depressed, insecurity – if these have been part of life for a long time, part of our family way for a long time, it’s comfortable. But they also stop us from truly creating and manifesting what we really want and often we fail to see the silver lining and the gifts because of this false and senseless comfortability.
So, what a gift to see the things that make us uncomfortable about ourselves, because in seeing them we are presented with an opportunity to choose to change them.
There is a beautiful elemental force within of trust and faith, in our own abilities and capacities, it sits in our inner world and the mechanics of our outer, that we do know what our truth is at any given moment in time. We can feel it and hear it, not necessarily see it or think it.
We are our own centre all the time, continuously growing with an inner knowledge far greater than the tidings of our meagre thoughts. We are all unique and co-creating simultaneously.
When it’s difficult either on a minor or major scale the question is do we react or respond? Can we pause, meditate, breathe, laugh, pat ourselves on the back, smile and wave and step out of our own way and trust that what is moving and shaking around us, within us, will pass and that perhaps it is a time to be gentle and kind and rest to avoid restlessness. Rest? Rest in the doing, rest in the movement, rest in the stillness. Rest the mind, find the breath.
What floats your boat, makes you feel good, what inspires you? How can you wholly and fully nourish yourself with unconditional, whole love, with compassion, humbleness, strength, tenacity, ferocity, courage, grace, kindness, for yourself and for all around you?
This is my experience right now. This is it. It opens from a period of healing, both gentle and crisis, after two years of on-site managing a rehab centre, learning about boundaries, learning about giving my life force away and the very being I am, pushing beyond my own edge. And it is difficult, tiring.
I am a yoga teacher not doing enough yoga, a healer who is healing, a nourisher who smokes cigarettes, the occasional joint, I swear, I love being dirty and playing in the earth, I love food, I love my daughter beyond the stars and don’t see her enough, I think thoughts that are not pure and clean all of the time, I shave my head, wear pants but I am a feminine woman, I get a little crazy and then I get really bloody clear, I love and believe in humanity’s ability to step up and in, because in doing so, I believe in my own ability to step up and I do, every day. I step up and sometimes I even get out of the way of myself and step in.
The more I do, the less I believe. The less I believe, the less limitations I have. The less limitations I have the more I realise I can just go for it. Life, here and now, own my full human potential. Why not?
I hope that my experience might inspire you as it is surely inspiring me. Warts, rainbows, colour and contrast and all the bits in between.
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