Her Divorce: perhaps marriage & babies aren’t for me?

share on

X and Y sitting in the tree
First comes love
Then comes marriage
Then comes baby in the baby carriage

I have vivid memories of singing this in the playground with my friends when I was young. I would have been around seven or eight years old.

I got married when I was 23 years old. He was 31.
I was madly in love with him.
He was everything I had ever hoped or imagined I would find in a partner.
We bought a house. We had two dogs.
We had great friends. Good Jobs.
We were trying for a baby.

And then I discovered he had a serious and long-hidden drug addiction.
He went to rehab.
We went to counselling.
Things were said.
The damage was too great.
We couldn’t fix what was broken.
I was devastated.
My heart was broken.
And I couldn’t cope.

So, I decided to leave.
We divorced before my 25th birthday.
My whole world felt like it was turned upside down. I felt shattered, embarrassed and lost.
I moved overseas to escape.
And forget.

My dream life was not a dream anymore.
A part of me felt gone or lost.
I vowed never to marry again.

Over time, I moved on.
I healed and I grew as an individual, travelled and met new people.
I dated.
I enjoyed being single.
I didn’t want anything serious.
I returned to Australia approaching my 30s.
I had this feeling that I should be moving towards “settling down”
I didn’t want to be “left on the shelf”
Time was ticking
So I was told.
If you want to have children, you better hurry up they said

We met online.
We fell in love.
Not a young, head over heels love.
A more mature, comforting, supportive type of love.
We got married. I was 32. He was 40.
We bought a house.
We tried for a baby.

Nothing happened.
We tried for two years.
Still nothing happened.
We had tests.
We had treatment.
We explored options.
Nothing happened.
I didn’t want IVF.
He did.
Nothing happened.

All my friends were having children.
I felt like a failure.
I was sad and disappointed.
Was I a worthy wife if I couldn’t bare children?
It was stressful.
He was between jobs.
We were renovating.
Money was tight.
We couldn’t have a baby.
He was depressed.
I was too.
We argued.

I turned my focus to my career.
It created a wedge between us.
The more I focussed, the bigger the wedge.
Time passed.
We began to want different things.
He wanted a baby desperately.
I wanted to follow my passion.
He was controlling.
I grew distant.
We tried counselling.
We tried living apart.
We tried to get back together.
In the end I decided it was over.
It broke his heart.
I felt numb.
But I also felt relieved.

And then I stood.
35 years old.
Starting again.
Feeling vulnerable.
Twice divorced already.
In a family that don’t get divorced.
With parents who have been married 42 years.
Grandparents, siblings, friends who made marriages work.

Yet here I was.
Twice divorced.
Twice failed.
No kids.

I felt shame.
I was embarrassed.
I felt like a failure.
Time was running out.
I was going to be left on the shelf.
I’m going to end up alone.
I questioned myself.
Perhaps marriage and babies aren’t for me?
I felt fear in even asking this.
I questioned my Journey, my future, my life.

It took time.
But I sat with it.
I let go of the fear of being judged.
I played with the concept of being alone.
The more I thought about it, the more I kept asking
Perhaps marriage and babies aren’t for me?

Let’s see…

About the author